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What I deserve
Hills | Late Summer | Late afternoon | Thick fog blanketing everything

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Caspian is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Caspian Chris Staff
 

It was time.

He had said his pathetic excuse of goodbye to his sons. His heart tightened at the thought of never seeing them again, but he knew they would be better off. They might be so young they’d forget him. Albus and Catrine both hated him now, and so he had continued to avoid them as he gathered courage to head to the coast.

The fog had arrived, unnoticed at first, but welcomed by the time the apathetic male noted it. It matched his own melancholy. He stared at the river. He couldn’t see more than two body-lengths ahead of him, but he knew which way to go. Cross this river. Head across the plains.

He ought never have left the ocean he both loved and hated. What a fool he’d been. To believe that he could have a happy home here. That he could make a difference. That he deserved to be a father.

He had to remove his own toxic presence out of everybody’s lives here. He stepped into the river and pushed off from the bank.

((Trigger warning for depression: Caspian is severely depressed and spiraling right now.
He’s located due west of the HS, just above the fork in the river))


Feb 23, 2018 12:07 AM

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196366
Name Player
Ace Adrian Jeames
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Albus was doing mentally a bit better? Not really, maybe just a little bit? But he had come to a decision. Caspian was probably mentally unstable, mentally sick. And either he needed time, or either father-son relationship was over for all eternity. The boy decided he would… not hold a grudge. And if Caspian ever returned to him safe and sound Albus would just… love him again? It would take a while to feel comfortable around him again, though.

But right now, Albus needed to focus more on himself. He would work on himself, try to get rid of his own demons. He could do better, and he decided he would no longer depend on Caspian. Instead, he would focus on others. The ones at home at the Sanctuary, who were in their right minds. Yes.

But he was wandering. Sick and weak and shivering, he followed the river, looking for fish to catch. He had not expected… to see a familiar wolf not too far away, in the water. Was that…? Albus swallowed. One last time… He would try one last time…

Should he call out? Or just follow in silence? Here he went. It was now or never.
’‘Caspian, wait up please.’‘ His voice sounded oddly… calm.


Feb 23, 2018 12:18 AM — Post #1

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196554
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Catrine Matti
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The fog that had rolled over everything during the last day felt strange during the summer. It had previously been so warm, but now the sun seemed unable to burn off the white mist that floated around everything. It didn’t make it any easier to keep track of all of the white wolves that lived in the hollow, but Catrine did her best.

She hadn’t exactly been trying to follow Albus, but she had been trying to keep an eye out for the boy. Caspian was obviously failing in that duty, and it made it Catrine’s job to watch over the yearling.

It wasn’t a surprise to hear Albus’ voice near the river, now that he had spotted and was calling out to Caspian. She twitched her mouth sideways. She didn’t want to just leave Albus with Caspian, the older man was not responsible enough for that anymore. She took a few steps forward and searched through the fog, hoping that it would obscure her a bit from them while she could wait to see what Caspian had to say.

<small>[Skippable if not noticed, but totally noticeable since she’s kinda close]</small>


Feb 23, 2018 10:14 PM — Post #2

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196605
Caspian is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Caspian Chris Staff
 

Albus. No, no no no, he was one of the two wolves Caspian least wanted to see now. It didn’t matter to Caspian that Albus was speaking calmly, that he didn’t even sound angry this time. He had tried to drag him around, he had yelled, Caspian knew he hated his former father now. They were the most solid facts Caspian could still grasp.

With a scared and distressed whine he dropped his ears and his chin submissively. Instead of his head and neck standing up out of the water like the strong swimmer he had always been, his head lowered until his chin touched the calm surface of the river. He swam as swiftly and strongly as he could away from the bank.

He had to escape. He knew he didn’t deserve it. But he just couldn’t cope, and he knew he couldn’t. Catrine went unnoticed by the distressed male, blending with the thick fog.


Feb 24, 2018 06:07 AM — Post #3

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196610
Name Player
Ace Adrian Jeames
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It was way too foggy, Albus wouldn’t have noticed Caspian, had he not been right on top of the male. But he had noticed the movement, and he assumed it was Caspian since that guy would be the only one out here just… swimming around. And yep, looked like it was Caspian, because the guy started to move away. Swimming away fast. Why? Why was he running? Why!?

Albus had to stay calm, he took a deep breath, and started trotting. He almost stumbled, his legs weak, but he wanted to stay caught up to Caspian, he wanted to say things. He thought of things to say while he moved after the male, on the bank. Catrine went unnoticed to the boy. Albus realized Caspian was not going to care for him, anymore. Albus should no longer depend on him… It was hard and painful, but Albus has no choice. If he ever wanted o get better, he needed to get rid of the toxic thoughts that ran through his mind.

Go on, Albus… be as positive as possible.

’‘Caspian, don’t go, please! I wanted to tell you something!’‘ he called out, a little bit panicked. Why did Caspian not even hear him out…? Why did he have to go away immediately, without evening taking a moment to listen? ’‘I wanted to say I love you!’‘ If Caspian did not respond to this, then Albus should stop bothering…

Caspian was the first wolf who he had ever said this to, as far as he could remember. Not even his parents had ever been told, had they? Caspian was one fucking lucky wolf for hearing it because Albus was attached to no one else. If the male did not accept his words, he was not worth it.

’‘I’m nothing without you! I love you!’‘ Respond, please!
Give Albus a little bit of hope!


Feb 24, 2018 06:23 AM — Post #4

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196693
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Catrine Matti
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<small>Catrine is skippable, just listening</small>


Feb 24, 2018 06:15 PM — Post #5

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196740
Caspian is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Caspian Chris Staff
 

Caspian hesitated when he heard the sound of Albus begging him to stay. Once he would have listened, but that was before everything changed. He kept paddling.

He did not expect Albus to yell that he loved him. He had expected to be yelled at, but that Albus hated him, not the opposite. He wanted to hesitate again. But he was so close to being able to get away now. Soon he wouldn’t have to keep letting everybody he cared about down.

“If that is true, then you have to let me go! I cannot ruin any more lives!” He paddled on, breathing heavily, still highly stressed.


Feb 25, 2018 03:54 AM — Post #6

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196743
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Ace Adrian Jeames
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A response! Caspian called back! And the words he spoke… were worrisome, scary. But Albus already knew what to say back to him. He already had his answer ready. ’‘You will ruin our lives if you leave us!’‘ he called out, feeling tears threatening to leave his eyes. ’‘Because we love you!’‘

He swallowed for a moment, blinking several times to get rid of the tears. To either make them fall, or to stop them from falling. He did not know what he wanted, anymore. He just wanted the feeling of tears out of his eyes. ’‘You are my dad… You are our dad.’‘
His kids would hate him if he left, and Albus would feel so utterly alone. Why did Caspian not see that!? ’‘We need you. We need you… I need you.’‘
Selfish words, but it was true.


Feb 25, 2018 04:18 AM — Post #7

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196748
Caspian is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Caspian Chris Staff
 

Water splashed Caspian’s face as he paddled, probably because how submissively low he bobbed in the water. He was glad for it. Though he could no longer see the bank behind him or Albus upon it, he was still oddly glad that nobody would be able to see he was crying.

Albus said he would ruin them by leaving. But he’d already done that. Things only got worse by staying. He wished he could wipe a paw over his stinging eyes, but instead, he kept paddling.

“I have no other way to make you see Albus, that nobody needs me.” He had already made up his mind. To leave. His plan was set. There was only one way out for Caspian. He couldn’t keep putting it off.

He couldn’t say it out loud, but he thought it. I love you too Albus. This is the only way I have of proving it.


Feb 25, 2018 06:18 AM — Post #8

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196749
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Ace Adrian Jeames
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Caspian was not listening, Caspian was hurting him, like always. Albus was growing frustrated, upset. He was growing mad again, but… he did not want to chase away Caspian even more. The male needed to see, how much Albus meant to him. ’‘That’s not true! I need you! I’m your son! Your sons need you, all of them! All three of them!’‘ Albus called out after him, trying to hard to keep up. But his lungs stung, as he panicked. It became hard to breathe, as he cried. Tears rolled down his cheeks.

’‘Don’t be like my real father, please! Don’t leave me like he did! Don’t become like him, I beg of you! Dad! You said you didn’t want to be like him, but you’re becoming him by leaving! Please!’‘ Just listen to him, please! Listen to him! See how much you hurt him! See how much you hurt Albus by leaving! ’‘I will die without you! I will die…! do you want me to die…!?’‘

He stopped running, started sobbing. Please. Please…

’‘Don’t be like my weak excuse of a father…’‘ he whispered, voice cracking, his eyes closed firmly.


Feb 25, 2018 06:25 AM — Post #9

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196945
Caspian is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Caspian Chris Staff
 

Albus hadn’t even counted himself as one of his sons a short while ago, Caspian faintly remembered. Had he changed his mind? It did not repair the damage that had already been done, though Caspian himself didn’t realize that.

All he felt as Albus started to scream after him, was the tears coming faster, and the guilt of everything. He gasped for breath as he paddled onward over the river. He had no idea how far he had crossed, the fog was too thick to see the opposite bank, but surely, it could not be far.

“No.” He broken, wavering voice might not even have made it back to the bank he had left behind.

He had to get out of here. He was killing Albus. He couldn’t watch that, the stress of this moment was already dragging at his tired paws and his heavy heart. He knew it was selfish. He knew it, how hopeless he truly was. Caspian simply had no reserves left to draw upon to make anything better. Not other people. Not his family. Certainly not himself.

He couldn’t make it better. And so he ran.


Feb 27, 2018 03:27 AM — Post #10

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196948
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Ace Adrian Jeames
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’‘No.’‘
Albus stopped calling, Albus stopped caring. Caspian didn’t want him anymore, Caspian didn’t care about him anymore. So why should Albus care? Why should Albus bother? The tears stopped coming. Caspian was just like his father, Caspian was just like Brynn; running when things got tough, abandoning everyone like the selfish prick he was.

Albus didn’t need anyone. Why did he need anyone? Did he really cry over a wolf like this? Did he really want to be dependent on someone, and have his feelings ruined over and over and over and over and over and over- again and again? For the rest of his life?

Why did he accept this to happen? Why did he keep trying to get close to someone. Why did he keep trying to trust others, while in the end that trust was always broken? There was no love, no happiness. No one cared about you, in the end. Whenever he got close to someone, whenever Albus cared, they all left him, disappeared, died. Abandoned him.

His mother, his father, his brothers. His sister probably too, Albus believed. And now, Caspian. Who was next? Catrine? Her kids? Senna? Sunfall?

Wasn’t it better just to detach himself? Wasn’t it better to just… die? Why did he even bother anymore.

Albus ran in the opposite direction, but now he was more angry than sad.
It was all just useless. Why should he care?
You’re just like Brynn.
Albus refused to be an Awbrey any longer. Albus refused to be Albus.
Albus refused to feel.

Feeling only hurt you, in the end. It always did.
Wasn’t it better to just detach himself from everyone and everything? If he didn’t feel, or tried not to feel, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much, anymore.

[Attempted exit for this boy.]


Feb 27, 2018 03:39 AM — Post #11

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197057
Caspian is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Caspian Chris Staff
 

He felt solidness underpaw. He’d made it across. Caspian felt a dull relief when there was no more shouting, no more screaming, from Albus. Nothing more than that. He had never even realized in the thick fog that Catrine was even there.

He pulled himself up onto the bank, and was gone. It would all be behind him soon.

((Exit))


Feb 28, 2018 08:17 AM — Post #12

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197603
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Catrine Matti
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Catrine held herself shrouded in the fog so that neither male would notice her, at least she hoped. It seemed she had little to worry about as they pleaded with each other, neither seemed inclined to notice her.

She thought it would turn things around, Albus telling the truth in such a forthright way. There was no way that Caspian could deny the boy loved him, and wanted his father around. However, Caspian seemed heartless to it all. He ignored the boy, seemed to say as little as he could, and it was clear he wanted to leave. As he had wanted to leave before now.

Catrine was truly disgusted with him. He had seemed reasonable, capable. She had let him be the father of her children, after he had made it clear that was what he wanted. But instead he was weak, and fickle, and didn’t actually care about them. It didn’t matter one bit to her what problems Caspian might think he had. He had children and a pack now. Those things always came before anything else. She had made a mistake in her judgement of Caspian. She wouldn’t make it again.

She caught the barest hint of movement in the fog and turned after it. She knew it was Albus heading away from the river and she turned to follow. Where Caspian had proved to be a failure to his family, Catrine would not be.

[Exit]


Mar 04, 2018 06:43 PM — Post #13

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