I feel like for the past six months or so on Horizon, my summary has been “I don’t know what to say”.
But I’m here trying anyway, for what it’s worth.
I guess I’ll start with me first.
I’m not super outgoing on this site. That’s just a fact. I really love writing but I struggle with my public image simply because I’m shy unless I know you. The cbox freaks me out, which is why I’m not often there and that’s okay. That’s just how I am. But it also means that I’m not super transparent with my OOC life in ways that other people are unless we talk privately.
I was “laid off” after a really shitty year in 2017 when my building that I managed and lived at sold in November. I spent most of October in the darkness of my mind, and then I was able to secure a transfer within my company instead of being completely jobless to move to California for a new project. Well I moved my entire life here and then…I was stuck. I was put in the worst situation at the worst office where my mental health plummeted even more. It was so negative that I went home and would let my dogs out and fall into my bed without moving at night after. It was so awful, and I cried more times than I even want to admit over the fact I moved my entire life to a state for a job that wasn’t even going to happen. I was tricked, and HR wouldn’t help me and told me I was confused. My regional manager basically ruined my reputation at my company and it was really really difficult because I love my work.
I was able to find a new job and I LOVE it. Like, I have smiled more in the past month than I probably have in the past year. I am so happy. Three weeks ago after I was finally free of the drama in my workplace, my grandmother had a stroke. They live across the country and it put me so far back down into my hole because I felt so helpless and it’s been so long since I’ve seen her. On top of that, I had to move again out of my other apartment..for the third time in 2018 when I was hired with a new company.
The reason I bring all of this up and word vomit is 1) it feels good to just GET IT ALL OUT and 2) my life has been a fucking wreck these last few months. I’m finally in a good place, and that brings me to this message.
I’ve been too scared to get back on Horizon now that I’m in a good place. As much as I love this site, sometimes it’s really hard and I mean that in the most loving way. I think in some way or another all of us have struggled with a lot of things here over the past few months (maybe not, if not I don’t mean to put words in your mouth, I PROMISE). I normally don’t comment on any of the threads here because I just..I don’t know. It’s always been my thing to quietly sit in the corner here, but there’s so much I’ve been carrying on my heart. Some of that is me, no one is asking me to be quiet, but some of it has been irrelevant to bring up as well because I never wanted to stir the pot here. (There’s nothing specific I’m referring to now, I’m just talking general feelings that I think we all kind of have?)
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve stayed away because my life has been a shit show and I needed to take care of myself first, but I also was worried about coming back and being a failure to those around me and because sometimes it can be too much. For anyone I held up, I am so sorry. I really, truly am. It was so far from my intention. I love this site, and I can’t imagine leaving it long term.
UHM YEAH, so that was my word vomit if anyone got this far. I love you guys, and I just have been needing to fill up my own cup before I tried to work on anything else.
*awkwardly goes to hide in the corner again*
Apr 11, 2018 09:09 PM
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