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it’s too far away for me to hold
[summons] full winter, morning, overcast or something, she howl for bucky or something

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Kaete is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Kaete Mekani
 

(it gets to a point where winter time limits make me have to assume things. sorry, wolves in other kaete threads)

There was no time. Time had officially run out, and with it, so had Kaete’s hope. She had failed, as always. She had tried, she had searched, and she had found nothing. There was nothing. There was no one. There was no one for her. That was it. She didn’t have a soulmate. Love wasn’t meant for her, no matter how much she wanted it. She would always be alone.

It couldn’t be much more than a few weeks before she would go into heat. Sure, she could have kept looking a little longer, but it was getting increasingly unlikely that she would find instant love in the increasingly small amount of time that was left, and moreover, she needed to get home. The trip had already been over a month when it was supposed to be a week, because of course that always happened. She needed to rest and recover from all the travel, and let someone know that she would be gone again, and find out if Bucky would kick her out of the pack because he disapproved of her plan to have pups with a stranger because that was the only thing that could keep her going. So, here she was.

There was still the hope that Nomad or Bucky or one of the others she had begged to help her would have actually remembered about her and found someone for her and he was waiting conveniently right here at home… But it was a hope that was too small to hold onto, like trying to pick up a speck of dust. She supposed the only real hope she had for love now was that the random creep who would father her kids would turn out to actually be a decent guy and want to stick around.

But even that wouldn’t be… ideal. It was too late for things to go the way she had always dreamed. It had already been too late, for months now, really. She didn’t want everything to happen in a sudden rush. She wanted things to go slowly, to have time to get used to all the new feelings and experiences that she had waited her whole life for, to truly get to know someone, to spend a long time with him alone before she was ready to bring children into the mix. She might have even been okay with waiting another year for pups, if only there was someone who she trusted to love her and stay with her until then.

But none of that could happen now. Nothing ever, ever, ever happened the way she wanted it to. Which gave her serious doubts about whether she would even make it as far as the ‘random creep’ part. Maybe she still wasn’t even good enough for random creeps. Bucky had said, a year ago, that she was worth more than that, but everything that happened in the last year had only proved that she was worth nothing.

She stood on the cliff and howled, a surprisingly solid howl considering how tired and defeated she was. She was trying not to let it get to her, planning to stay calm and not make things even worse with Bucky or whoever else showed up, because as much as she wanted to rip them apart (verbally or otherwise) for not helping her, she needed to not piss them off for the sake of her future children. They could treat her however they wanted now. Her happiness didn’t matter from now on. It was already ruined.

It was all about the babies now. Already, she was working on convincing herself that pups would be good enough, that they were all she needed, that everything would be okay, replacing her fantasies of romantic love with dreams of being loved by puppies and seeing them grow up happier than she was. She hadn’t really let herself process the failure of her other dreams, how she would never have what she had desired most of all for her whole life. It was in the past, and she would forget about it. Or maybe she would have a breakdown later. Whichever.


Jul 07, 2018 04:19 AM

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Bucky Rangers Chris Staff
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((Okay for my reference this is after his thread with Nomad))

Bucky hadn’t gone for a run that morning, spending time instead with Nomad. Maybe Nomad was the only reliable wolf in his life. And speaking about reliable wolves in his life… there was one who hadn’t lived up to that expectation.

That would be Kaete. Bucky sent up a tired-sounding howl in response, feeling very, very weary as he trotted slowly towards the call. So she was back. Was he about to get his head bitten off? By the scent she was alone, but after one long tirade over mates after another, and given what had happened to both he and Nomad recently, Bucky didn’t feel all that heavy on patience.

“Kaete. Welcome home, if you still consider this home.” He greeted dully. Whoops. Guess he wasn’t guarding his words or his thoughts very well just then.


Jul 07, 2018 04:34 AM — Post #1

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218601
Kaete is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Kaete Mekani
 

Well, Bucky didn’t seem to be in the greatest mood. Kaete had thought he would have been happily romping around with Saskia all this time. Or maybe he was just tired from the romping. Saskia might already be pregnant by now, and the only reason that didn’t make Kaete want to murder everyone was that she was now putting all her faith in the belief that she would have pups herself. She would. It would happen. She would have no reason to be jealous of their pups. Hers would be better than theirs. And if it didn’t happen, murder everyone.

She raised a brow at his odd greeting, not really sure what that was about, though she guessed it was something to do with how long she had been gone. It was highly tempting to strike back at him for it, but she had decided she would try to be nice. For the pups. She wouldn’t have him treating her pups badly because she made him angry or whatever. Besides, it wasn’t as if she hadn’t given him some snarky greetings of her own before.

“Why wouldn’t I?” she said calmly, almost innocently. “Just because I’ve been busy lately doesn’t mean this isn’t home. Soon, I’ll be able to spend a lot more time here.” Or rather she would have to spend a lot more time here because she would be a mother. She barely stopped herself from pointing out that it wasn’t like Bucky was here 100% of the time either. She didn’t want to turn it into another pointless argument.


Jul 07, 2018 05:15 AM — Post #2

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With anybody else, that would have been a rhetorical question. But not with Kaete, Bucky reminded himself heavily. He had to remember Kaete expected every last thing she said to be addressed. At least she was sticking to just a few sentences again, not a whole list of things he had to run back over and over in his mind. “Because you were away so long.” Bucky replied bluntly. “But glad to hear it. Oh yeah?” He prompted after her last sentence. She looked physically okay, not dead in a ditch like he’d been worrying over. But with Kaete it was her mental state he was more worried about. You never knew if you were about to get your head bitten off with her.


Jul 07, 2018 05:32 AM — Post #3

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218608
Kaete is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Kaete Mekani
 

Kaete shrugged, not really seeing anything wrong with being away ‘so long’. “It was longer than I planned, but… it wasn’t much longer than a patrol.” A patrol, like the one Bucky went on, not to mention all his other random trips. Whatever reason he wanted her to stay at home couldn’t be more important than why she had left. Even if nothing came of it, it had been worth trying.

She hadn’t intended to elaborate on her plans right away, but the questioning tone of that ‘Oh yeah?’ made her reconsider. She might as well get it out of the way, right? She also thought about asking first whether there were any new bachelors around, or anyone had come here looking for her, or even if Ata was still around, but—what was the use now? There was already no time. She didn’t care anymore. Nothing would change anything.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to remain poised, though she closed her eyes from the sheer embarrassment of it. “Well. I’ll be leaving just one more time, soon, for a couple of weeks. And I don’t want anyone to come with me. You should know why.” She braced herself for what she figured would be some sort of negative reaction. Or… maybe he just wouldn’t get it. Maybe he didn’t even remember what they had talked about a year ago. Well, she did say the promise was only good for one year.


Jul 07, 2018 06:18 AM — Post #4

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Well that was a dig at him. So it was okay for Kaete to vanish alone and worry everybody just because patrols had gone on longer than intended? Bucky didn’t even care about the lack of logic anymore.

She was going again, but at least this time he had forewarning. “Well. You can guess I won’t be happy about it, but thanks for letting me know. I don’t expect you to hold to our deal form last year, you made it clear then, that was only last winter.” So… the only conclusion he could draw was Kaete intended to find a random male to have a one night stand with, which made him feel vaguely queasy. After all her obsession to find a mate, she was going down this path?

He hoped he was wrong, but he had a sinking feeling he wasn’t.


Jul 07, 2018 08:46 AM — Post #5

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218663
Kaete is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Kaete Mekani
 

That might not be as bad of a reaction as Kaete had expected. She had figured Bucky would give her some lecture about the dangers of winter, and how the world didn’t need any more fatherless pups, and the pack didn’t need more pups to spend their resources on in addition to the fifty kids that he and Saskia were planning to have, and all that. Maybe he was still going to give her that lecture in a minute, he was just letting her think she was safe, because he was evil like that.

But for now, he seemed somewhat accepting of it, not trying to stop her, though he did say he wouldn’t be happy. She didn’t know what else to say about it anyway, so she figured she might as well… defend herself a little, and explain further. He should be happy about it, if he cared about her at all, because this was the only way she could ever be happy now.

“Right. It’s been a year. I can’t wait anymore. I tried everything, I looked everywhere. Pups are the only thing I have left to hope for,” she said, still calmly, resigned to her fate. It was also highly tempting to point out that maybe it wouldn’t have to be this way if he had only helped at all. He hadn’t looked. He hadn’t tried. She had to do everything herself. When they talked about it a year ago, when the only way he could comfort her after breaking her heart was by telling her she would find someone else… she wondered if he had thought that she would still be alone a year later.


Jul 07, 2018 05:11 PM — Post #6

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The ominous feeling was growing within Bucky. All she had left to hope for? He didn’t even question if that was really how she felt. Bucky believed it was. And he wasn’t going to spend any more wasted time worrying if that was what Kaete was going to do. Not in his current mood. Maybe not ever. 

“I take it things didn’t go well then. Anything much to report, either on your mission or any Ranger business?” Maybe she’d found somebody who was missing, been helpful the way she had been to Ororo. Well. Before she sold his sister out to Zaan of course.

His mood was not improving.


Jul 07, 2018 09:25 PM — Post #7

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218721
Kaete is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Kaete Mekani
 

He still didn’t have much to say about it, and she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Sure, it was nice that he wasn’t giving her any trouble, but there was that familiar feeling that he just didn’t care. He wasn’t worried about her, he wasn’t trying to convince her that there was anything else to live for or that she deserved better—it was like he was silently admitting that everything he told her a year ago was a lie. He didn’t care how unhappy she was now, and he didn’t care how much worse it would get if she failed to have pups. She wouldn’t forget that. There would be no reason to be nice anymore in that case.

But, as he was helpfully reminding her, her happiness didn’t matter anyway. He’d just better not treat her pups like this. If her kids ever tried to confide in him or ask for help, and he made them feel insignificant, like no one cared about their feelings… No. She would not accept that. That was exactly how they would turn out just like her, and she didn’t want that. She would pack them up and leave the Rangers. She just wished she knew ahead of time if he was going to be like that, so she could leave right now if she had to.

But of course, he was trying to change the subject, as usual. Gee, such a great listener. “Not much, no…” There were probably still things she hadn’t told him from the Evergreen trip before that, but it all seemed so unimportant by now. If only he had talked to her the last time she was home. “Anything going on around here?”

(i guess it’s possible that Tomas will tell her something interesting, or Aslan tells her about Gloria, but ~vagueness~ :p)


Jul 08, 2018 04:03 AM — Post #8

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Not much. How long had she been gone, two months? He couldn’t exactly recall now. And she hadn’t encountered anyone she wanted to mention? Whatever, he was too weary to care just then. He took a moment, then relayed the more recent events.

“We’ve got some new members and a guest staying with us. Fox left the valley to go after her parents, Bayley went missing and Braith, Eve and Percy went into the mountains to look for him. Nomad went looking for Shade and met a girl on his journey, but she broke his heart and left too. And you may as well know now. Saskia’s left the pack for a while.” He concluded, struggling to keep his tone factual and failing pretty miserably.

He was staring at his paws. Too afraid that if he looked up, he would see Kaete looking happy about everyone else’s misery.


Jul 08, 2018 05:46 AM — Post #9

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218909
Kaete is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Kaete Mekani
 

That was kind of a lot of news. It didn’t start out so shocking. It was practically a reflex for Kaete to wonder if any of those new members or guests were single males, but she had to remind herself that it didn’t matter anymore. She hadn’t even known that Fox or Eve were still here, honestly, but she did worry a bit for Bayley and Percy. They were good kids.

Now the news that Nomad got his heart broken by some girl, that was surprising. Kaete had a confusing mix of feelings about that. Part of her wanted to be annoyed that he found someone for himself instead of for her, and that it must have happened so fast—just like Bucky and Saskia. If the girl had stayed, Nomad too would be ignoring Kaete and not even pretending to care, just like Bucky, and she would be even more alone.

But it hadn’t worked out, which, while it may be a good thing for her, was obviously a bad thing for Nomad. She should talk to him, she quickly decided. She should be there for him, like he had been there for her. She might not be that good at comforting people, but at least she knew what it was like to go through that. Kind of. Nomad probably still had it better, simply because the girl wasn’t here anymore. He didn’t have to still be around her, and watch her fall in love with someone else.

Speaking of which, Saskia had left, which was even more confusing. Bucky didn’t go into details, and the ‘for a while’ might make it seem not that bad, but Kaete could tell from the way he said it that it was something… serious, probably. So that was why he was in a bad mood! Which made her wonder if the bad mood was the only reason he was acting even more uncaring than usual, or not, but anyway.

He and Saskia weren’t spending a happy winter together after all? Did they have an argument or something? When was she coming back? After winter? Ever? Were they not going to have pups? It was hard for Kaete to comprehend the possibility that everything wouldn’t go perfectly for them. Of course she wanted to say something about how she hoped Saskia never came back, and how Bucky would be better off without her for so many reasons. It had long ago become hard to feel any sympathy for him, and the way he had just disregarded her again didn’t help. But she had to be Nice. For The Pups.

“How long is ‘a while’? She’ll be back, right?” Her voice and expression were softer than before, not giving anything away about how Saskia coming back would not be a good thing. “Should I ask why she left?” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to know, or if Bucky wanted to talk about it.


Jul 09, 2018 06:31 PM — Post #10

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Should she ask, or should she be celebrating? Bucky felt sick to his stomach at the idea Kaete might actually enjoy the fact his mate had left.

“I don’t know. And I don’t want to talk about it.” He replied heavily, finally lifting his head but gazing out over the ocean in case Kaete had a huge grin on her face or anything.

“Was there anything else, Kaete? This is all pretty recent.” He explained, too moody to worry about her feelings for once. If she was expecting a howling fanfare or anything she was talking to the wrong wolf.


Jul 09, 2018 09:55 PM — Post #11

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Kaete is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Kaete Mekani
 

Fine, he didn’t want her sympathy, as usual, which made it all the easier not to have any. Did he not want to talk about it in general, or did he only not want to talk to her about it? Because he didn’t want to tell her anything because he didn’t trust her and he didn’t want her to have anything to do with any part of his life and she still didn’t know why? Whatever, he would probably find a new mate in five minutes anyway. Everyone did. Everyone but her.

He was already trying to wrap things up and get rid of her. She hoped he wasn’t treating Nomad like this too. Maybe Saskia was still ruining him, even when she was gone. He always judged Kaete for being in a bad mood, acting like she wasn’t allowed to be unhappy, but as soon as Saskia disappeared, he turned into a sulky baby himself. Even if Saskia never came back, it wouldn’t compare to what Kaete had gone through. She swallowed down the urge to sigh.

“Well… Any news from the rest of the valley? What ever happened with the whole Elliot situation? Was Star okay?” She had noticed Star’s scent around before leaving, but didn’t manage to catch up with her or find out from anyone how exactly things turned out. There, she changed the subject, was he happy now?


Jul 10, 2018 02:06 AM — Post #12

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Bucky answered promptly. “Star came back, but Rowan, Ash and Saya left for the Soulfire Covenant, the new pack in the mountains, so she went with them.” Another reason he was grumpy. The kids were out of his reach and if they got into trouble he couldn’t help them, and he’d lost one of his best packmates in the deal to boot.

“She talks now, her real name’s Tahti. And she, the Brotherhood and the Sanctuary killed Elliot.” He reported, finally looking her way. At least she wasn’t celebrating but she could easily be hiding her true feelings since they were talking about a murdered rapist at this exactly point in time. 


Jul 10, 2018 02:17 AM — Post #13

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Kaete is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Kaete Mekani
 

Huh… Star left. Kaete didn’t even get to say goodbye. And also Star was Tahti? How come she didn’t tell Kaete that? She knew Star-Spot-Tahti could talk, otherwise none of them would have known where the girl went, since Kaete was the one she told. Meh, she was tired of trying to figure out why she was everyone’s least favorite and least important wolf.

Elliot was dead after all. “Hmm, at least they got rid of him. The valley will be a little safer now.” Not that she cared that much about safety at the moment, but it was nice to know that she could roam the hills without being kidnapped. Unless there was another bad guy who replaced Elliot. “Shame that they left though…” She frowned a bit, thoughtful. She might have only talked to Spot-Tahti-Star like, twice, but she liked her. It seemed like they could have become better friends with time. Everything had to keep getting lonelier.

Was that all? What else could they talk about when Bucky didn’t want to tell her anything about his own life or feelings, or listen to anything about hers? But she had the nagging urge to finish what she was going to say about her pups. He had to know it was important.

“I guess that’s about all, if you’re not much in the mood for talking, but… I just wanted to say…” It did occur to her that pups might be a touchy subject with Saskia gone, but if he didn’t have to avoid making Kaete uncomfortable anymore, it was only fair. She wouldn’t forget him nuzzling Saskia during a freaking meeting, having her sit right next to him like she was his co-leader or something, when she didn’t even bother to show up at meetings until the end or not at all… But Anyway.

Her paws shuffled a bit nervously. How could she say it in a Nice way? “If I do have pups… I don’t want you to treat them… any differently from any other pups, just because they’re mine. Like, giving them the cold shoulder because you had some problem with me. Not that I think you would-

She had no idea if he would, actually, but she didn’t want to seem too accusing. It was easy to imagine it happening, him holding a grudge against her whole family for all time because… she still didn’t know why it started, how she fell out of his favor. Then again, there had been Holly and her pups. Bucky certainly hadn’t seemed fond of Holly, but he… well, Kaete had never seen how he acted around her kids, but the reason he let them stay in the first place was that he understood that they were just innocent kids, no matter what their parents did.

“But, you know, it’s really important to me for them to grow up in a positive environment, not like how I grew up, so they hopefully turn out better than me. So I just want to make sure everyone is on board with that.” Everyone, not just him. He was really the only one she had this worry about, but he didn’t need to know that. Her pups would not be hated or ignored or lonely. In fact, if Bucky and Saskia didn’t have pups, one of the few bad things about that would be that her own kids might not have any friends their own age.


Jul 10, 2018 05:23 AM — Post #14

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I don’t want you to treat them… any differently from any other pups, just because they’re mine. Once he registered what Kaete was saying Bucky, his defenses already low after Saskia leaving and Nomad’s heartbreak on top of all his other issues, couldn’t keep his usual stoic expression in place. He didn’t even hear her last paragraph, so stuck on the first part of the be nice to her kids speech. The part about her not thinking he would was laughable. Because she was standing in front of him saying it, meaning that was a blatant lie.

Disbelief and pain warred across his face and he physically reeled back, staring at Kaete unblinkingly. “You really thi-” He cut himself off. He knew the answer already. She was serious.

This was what she truly thought of him. She really, honestly believed he was some monster who would be cruel to puppies, to puppies. She genuinely thought him capable of that. He saw her so clearly in that moment it was impossible for him to go back to a time when he’d thought her a good friend.

They weren’t friends. Not in Kaete’s mind. She didn’t know a thing about him, after all this time.

He realized he had to answer, and he continued to stare at her, though he didn’t try to wrestle his expression back into anything more everyday. There was no taking this back. “You have nothing to worry about.” He managed, speaking every word slowly, enunciating every single syllable perfectly. He kept his cool only long enough to speak, before the anger to become the most predominant expression on his face. He didn’t care. He understood now what she thought of him. “We’re done talking now.” He spat the words and turned to stalk away. His entire body was so tense every muscle stood out even under his winter coat, as if every single step might crack the rocks under his paws. Even his fur looked stiff. 

Way to be fucking kicked while he was down. He couldn’t even process this right now. He needed out of this toxic mess.

((He’s attempting an exit, but not moving fast if she wants to try and stop him/speak further))


Jul 10, 2018 07:07 AM — Post #15

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