(it gets to a point where winter time limits make me have to assume things. sorry, wolves in other kaete threads)
There was no time. Time had officially run out, and with it, so had Kaete’s hope. She had failed, as always. She had tried, she had searched, and she had found nothing. There was nothing. There was no one. There was no one for her. That was it. She didn’t have a soulmate. Love wasn’t meant for her, no matter how much she wanted it. She would always be alone.
It couldn’t be much more than a few weeks before she would go into heat. Sure, she could have kept looking a little longer, but it was getting increasingly unlikely that she would find instant love in the increasingly small amount of time that was left, and moreover, she needed to get home. The trip had already been over a month when it was supposed to be a week, because of course that always happened. She needed to rest and recover from all the travel, and let someone know that she would be gone again, and find out if Bucky would kick her out of the pack because he disapproved of her plan to have pups with a stranger because that was the only thing that could keep her going. So, here she was.
There was still the hope that Nomad or Bucky or one of the others she had begged to help her would have actually remembered about her and found someone for her and he was waiting conveniently right here at home… But it was a hope that was too small to hold onto, like trying to pick up a speck of dust. She supposed the only real hope she had for love now was that the random creep who would father her kids would turn out to actually be a decent guy and want to stick around.
But even that wouldn’t be… ideal. It was too late for things to go the way she had always dreamed. It had already been too late, for months now, really. She didn’t want everything to happen in a sudden rush. She wanted things to go slowly, to have time to get used to all the new feelings and experiences that she had waited her whole life for, to truly get to know someone, to spend a long time with him alone before she was ready to bring children into the mix. She might have even been okay with waiting another year for pups, if only there was someone who she trusted to love her and stay with her until then.
But none of that could happen now. Nothing ever, ever, ever happened the way she wanted it to. Which gave her serious doubts about whether she would even make it as far as the ‘random creep’ part. Maybe she still wasn’t even good enough for random creeps. Bucky had said, a year ago, that she was worth more than that, but everything that happened in the last year had only proved that she was worth nothing.
She stood on the cliff and howled, a surprisingly solid howl considering how tired and defeated she was. She was trying not to let it get to her, planning to stay calm and not make things even worse with Bucky or whoever else showed up, because as much as she wanted to rip them apart (verbally or otherwise) for not helping her, she needed to not piss them off for the sake of her future children. They could treat her however they wanted now. Her happiness didn’t matter from now on. It was already ruined.
It was all about the babies now. Already, she was working on convincing herself that pups would be good enough, that they were all she needed, that everything would be okay, replacing her fantasies of romantic love with dreams of being loved by puppies and seeing them grow up happier than she was. She hadn’t really let herself process the failure of her other dreams, how she would never have what she had desired most of all for her whole life. It was in the past, and she would forget about it. Or maybe she would have a breakdown later. Whichever.
Jul 07, 2018 04:19 AM
[ ignore ]