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all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
[summons] she want to say the goodbyes to Nomad || full winter, midday, light snow

Name Player
Kaete Mekani

Kaete had a lot of things to worry about, concerning her upcoming quest to have babies. Running into violent males, being a bad mother (how would she know how to love pups when she had never been loved herself?), her pups not being happy, all kinds of terrible things happening to them, or perhaps worst of all, either all of them dying, or her not getting pregnant in the first place. And now, on top of all that, she had to worry about not having a stable home to raise them in. Because this wasn’t home, all thanks to Bucky.

She had planned to talk to Nomad anyway, to offer her sympathy and understanding about the heartbreak he had gone through, but now she also had to tell him she was leaving, for good this time. Which wasn’t going to make him feel any better, but there was only Bucky to blame. She wondered if Bucky would consider that just because he wouldn’t miss her, that didn’t mean no one else would. Did he care if he was hurting his best friend by driving her away? Of course not. He was Bucky.

It was just another messed-up truth of how her life worked, that she lost everyone who was even close to being a friend. Every friend she’d ever had disappeared from her life, until Nomad was really the only one left, and now she was about to lose him too. Sure, she could come back to visit from time to time, if Bucky would even allow her to, but Nomad would eventually forget about her, replace her with other more important wolves, and their friendship would fade. It was inevitable.

If she thought about it, friends were kind of useless really, for that very reason. They always ended up caring more about someone else than about her, until they didn’t care about her at all. Loyalty didn’t exist. Even if she had pups, they too would leave her, someday. And what then? Keep replacing them with more pups every year, and as soon as she failed to do so, that was the end? That had really been the whole appeal of having a mate: someone who would never leave, who would never prefer someone else’s company over hers. If she could be the most important for once, even if it was only to one wolf, that would be amazing. But it could never happen.

“Nomad?” she called as she slowly moved along the snow-dusted hill, absent-mindedly, taking in the view of the gorge that wasn’t home anymore. It was just a gorge. A place for Bucky and whoever he hadn’t gotten around to hurting yet. She didn’t belong here. She didn’t belong anywhere, with anyone. It was stupid to ever think she did.

Jul 11, 2018 05:14 AM

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Name Player
Nomad Rangers Jeames

Nomad had felt… out of sorts the last few days. It was not a fun feeling. He wasn’t crying anymore, he wasn’t really sad? He just, felt a little empty. The days went by, slowly but steadily, and every new day simply came, and passed again. Life went on, and so Nomad had to, as well. To be honest he was surprised be felt this way; he had not known Rocco for that long. And yet.
And yet.
He sighed.

A call for him. His ears flicked, and he sniffed. Kaete. Kaete was back home. Good, that was good. Nomad guessed. But she would probably leave again soon enough because of the whole winter thing.
Nomad didn’t feel like this very often. To be honest, had he ever felt this way before? Bitter. A little bitter. But he was Nomad. And Nomad soon things off, pretended he was fine, for others. Because his feelings didn’t matter much, at least not to him.

“Over here!” he called out to her, trying to sound cheerful. Because Kaete needed that. Negativity upon negativity never made a positivity, after all. Nomad started moving in her direction.

Jul 11, 2018 05:22 AM — Post #1

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Name Player
Kaete Mekani

Kaete was rather confused by how Nomad sounded almost… cheerful. If he had really gotten his heart broken, even Nomad couldn’t possibly be cheerful. He was probably just pretending that nothing was wrong, which made it even sadder really. Now she had to ruin his attempt to be happy.

She moved toward him, picking up her pace, sort of wanting to get it over with. Where did she even begin though? She saw him and she just… didn’t want to hurt him right away. “Uh. Hey. How are you… doing?” she greeted when she was close enough, still mostly just confused. She was stalling, probably. She swore she was going to stop doing that and tell him, because it would be worse to hide it from him and let him think everything was okay.

Jul 12, 2018 04:16 AM — Post #2

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Name Player
Nomad Rangers Jeames

Nomad was happy to see Kaete. At least she was home. At least she had come back. He frowned a little at her hesitant greeting, wondering if something was wrong. He was oblivious to the idea Bucky might have told her about Rocco. And Nomad did not really want to think about that girl.

“I’m… fine?” he lied, confusion directed at Kaete’s tone. “Everything okay, Kaete?”
Maybe he could help her with things that bothered her… That could give him a distraction.

Jul 13, 2018 12:58 AM — Post #3

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Name Player
Kaete Mekani

Kaete was pretty sure Nomad wasn’t really fine, but she would save that part for later. She wanted to get the worst part out of the way first. Or was it the worst part? Which was worse for him, talking about losing his girlfriend or finding out he was losing an old friend? Well, it was harder for her to tell him she was leaving, so there.

“No.” No, nothing was okay. She swallowed, steeling herself. “I’m still having problems with Bucky. He’s treating me even worse than before, and I… I don’t want to be around him anymore. I think I… have to leave. As in, leave the Rangers, for good.” It was hard to explain how horrible Bucky was when she was talking to Bucky’s best friend. She didn’t want to insult him too much and make Nomad mad at her too. Nomad simply wouldn’t understand. Maybe even he didn’t know the real Bucky.

But she felt the need to explain at least a little more. “I want to have pups, and I don’t want him to act the same way to them that he does to me. He’ll ruin everything. I need to go somewhere else.” If it wasn’t for the pups, maybe she could have stayed. But she wanted the best for them, and that was what was most important now. They had to grow up in a Bucky-free environment. His anger and disrespect toward her had only confirmed it.

Jul 13, 2018 05:10 AM — Post #4

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Name Player
Nomad Rangers Jeames

Kaete threw the big news on him. The big bad news. She was leaving the Rangers. Nomad stared at her with big eyes, taken aback by the news. It took him a moment to realize, to understand. And then she added more to it. For a moment, Nomad was utterly quiet, processing. “W-wha-” He didn’t know what to say.

Kaete, one of the founders, the one who had name the Gorge. She was leaving. The wolf who had actually named this place.
His friend, leaving.

First things first. “Kaete… are- are you sure…? I- You-” He couldn’t get out of his words. It was bad news after bad news after bad news.
“Bucky would never- They’re pups. He would never treat them any differently. Kaete, if anything would ever happen to you- he would take them in and care for them, like he had done for Fox. He would never treat anyone’s pups differently. Remember he took in Holly? That was for her pups.”

There, that was out there.
But. The other thing.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t fix things…”
This was upsetting. Nomad hated this. Why. Where. What. When. How. He hated everything of this. But could he stop her? The thing between Bucky and Kaete had been going on for so long now… And Nomad felt torn. Because both were his friends, and both were good wolves. And this had all been caused by misunderstandings.

Could he have fixed it if he had tried harder? If he had gotten a chance?
“Where- where are you going? Winter- pups- you would need a place to raise them.”
Would she just go out there and find any possible other packs? What others were out there? The Stormborn Alliance was gone. Maybe the Brotherhood…?
“I’m… I’m sorry…”

Was he crying?
This was all such a big mess.

Jul 13, 2018 08:12 AM — Post #5

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Name Player
Kaete Mekani

It caused a painful twinge in Kaete’s heart to think of how she used to see Bucky, as a good wolf, the kind of wolf who really would do something like take in her pups and care for them. But that wasn’t who he really was. She knew that now. He had done it for Fox, but surprise surprise, Fox was gone now. What awful things had he done to that kid to scare her away? What had he done to Saskia? To his siblings? To Fawn and Efeon? To Caesar?

Kaete gave a firm shake of her head. “I don’t trust him anymore. With how he treats me, I can’t believe that he’s going to be nice to everyone. What difference should it make if they’re pups? Does that mean he’s only going to be nice to them when they’re small and cute and fluffy, then start treating them like crap when they get older? That’s not much better. He wasn’t even happy with the idea of me having pups.” If he had his own pups, he would probably train them to hate hers.

“Even if I could believe that he won’t have a problem with them, he still has a problem with me. He always will. He would be stressing me out the whole time when I’m trying to enjoy having a family. Making me feel worthless, and then how am I supposed to raise my kids to have any confidence?” He would still be hurting them, even if indirectly. He never promised to be nice to her. They both knew that wasn’t going to happen. If anything could finally go right for her, she had been through too much to let him ruin it.

“I don’t feel welcome here or safe here anymore, because of him. You didn’t see how angry he was. Instead of wondering why I feel that way, or feeling bad about making me feel that way, he got mad at me.” She had half expected him to turn around and bite her. She didn’t feel safe around him.

She let out a sigh, calming down a little from the anger that had crept into her words. Why did Nomad always blame things on himself? It had nothing to do with him. “It isn’t your fault. No one could have fixed it. He’s too stubborn. I tried to talk to him about it and he completely ignored me and walked away.” Okay, there was the anger again.

Even if they had followed through with that plan for Nomad to try and mediate between her and Bucky—well, she was sure Bucky wouldn’t agree to it now, and even if he had, it would be more lies and pretending to be nice in front of Nomad, and then he would be back to his usual jerk self afterwards. Every time she thought things would get better, every time Bucky said things would get better, they didn’t, because he was a damn liar.

Nomad asked about where she was going, stirring up her worries again, but she tried to sound more confident about it than she really was. “I don’t know where I’ll go. There’s got to be some pack that would take me in. The Evergreens, the Sanctuary, or even that pack in the mountains that Holly’s kids and Star went to. Or maybe there’s a new pack somewhere. I’ll find something.” Something far away from Bucky, hopefully without any Bucky-like wolves in it.

Still… “I hate having to do this,” she grumbled softly. She hated having to leave Nomad behind, leave her home of over a year behind, leave an otherwise decent pack behind, and become completely alone again, not knowing what would really happen.

Jul 14, 2018 07:28 PM — Post #6

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Name Player
Nomad Rangers Jeames

Kaete and Bucky really had a messed up relationship, huh? Kaete listed off so many things that bothered her, and Nomad felt his heart sink. He swallowed. ’’But Kaete-’’ He really didn’t know what to say. No words left his mouth after, because his brain did not form them. He was stuck in a daze, a troubled mind. ’’Did he say that? Did he actually say he did not want you to have pups, with those exact words?’’ he decided to ask. Because maybe by now both wolves hated each other so much they were making assumptions. Kaete was emotional, and Bucky was not very good at communicating. This had caused shit, Nomad knew.

Could he try to fix this, still…?

It didn’t seem to be the case. More and more bad things. Nomad’s ears were pressed back firmly. He looked like he was about to cry, but he held it in this time. She said it was not his fault, but… ’’We- still didn’t try talking with the three of us, with me in the middle. If I had tried harder and got us three together to talk it out, we might have been able to fix this…’’

Even if it was not his fault, he felt partly responsible, feeling he had not tried hard enough. He was their friend, of both of them. He should have tried harder.

She said she didn’t know, where she would go. Nomad swallowed. ’’You… could go to the Evergreens, I guess, or the Brotherhood. Or the sanctuary. Or- that pack in the mountains.’’ He added the Brotherhood in there, because it was the pack closest to them at the moment, Nomad believed. And they were allies with the Rangers. And Nomad could visit, and-

Well, whatever pack was fine, right? As long as she was safe…
’’And… what about the Silu Tribe? Up north?’’
More packs to consider?

Nomad sighed and shook his head. ’’I hate this, too… But, I guess I cannot make you stay? Whatever I say? I- I want you to stay but, if you would rather leave…’’
UGH. This was so stupid! Nomad did not want to cry! Yet he was about to. The tears were threatening to come out.

It was too much. Too much negativity all together. Nomad didn’t like that.

Jul 15, 2018 02:22 AM — Post #7

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Name Player
Kaete Mekani

The part about Bucky not wanting Kaete to have pups really didn’t matter much when there were so many other things wrong. “I told him I wanted to have pups, and he said he wasn’t happy about it.” Unless he was too dumb to understand what she was saying at first—but that couldn’t be it, because he mentioned their deal from last year. He knew full well what she was planning, and he didn’t like it. He didn’t want her to be happy.

“I tried to explain why I wanted pups and how I was feeling, which should have worried him if he really cared—and he ignored me, didn’t say anything about it, and changed the subject. I can’t talk to him about anything without him doing that. I never get to finish what I want to say to him, and he just… doesn’t care.”

Nomad brought up the thing about the three of them talking, after all. “Well, there wasn’t much of a chance to do that because I’ve been gone so much lately, so if anything, it’s my fault.” Technically there had been time after Bucky got back from his patrol and before Kaete left for the Evergreens… which was yet another time he had said he would talk to her and didn’t. After she got back from that trip, Nomad had left. At least one of the three was always gone.

But it didn’t matter. “It wouldn’t have worked anyway. There were so many times he promised to change something and make things better, and then he didn’t. It wouldn’t be any different if he said it in front of you.” That was if he didn’t still ignore her and walk away, even with Nomad there, which at this point she expected he would.

Nomad repeated the list of packs, but added in two more. She had been thinking about it a little though, and those two weren’t high on her list for a simple reason. “I think the Tribe and the Brotherhood might be too close to here. Bucky goes to visit them too often. I need to be far away from him.” She didn’t even want Bucky to know where she was, honestly. She could imagine him barging into her new life and bringing up all their old problems… it would be a nightmare.

She could tell Nomad was obviously upset about this, and she felt bad. And even angrier at Bucky for doing this to both of them, and part of her wanted to say that if Nomad had a problem with it, he should bring it up with Bucky, because it was all his fault. “Bucky is the one who would have to say something, and I don’t even know what he could say. I wouldn’t believe him if he did, anyway.” By now, no apology would be enough.

But the simple words ‘I want you to stay’ made her almost want to cry too. At least there was one wolf who cared about her, who wanted her around… but she had to leave that one wolf behind. She looked at him sadly, her voice soft again. “You’ve been a good friend, Nomad. I wish I could stay just for you. But… I can’t. I’m sorry.” She was the one who should be sorry. No… Bucky was the one who should be sorry. This would never have been her choice, if it wasn’t for him.

Jul 15, 2018 03:52 AM — Post #8

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Name Player
Nomad Rangers Jeames

Bucky did not want Kaete to have pups. How was that a thing? Bucky loved pups, even if they would be Kaete’s. So why…? Nomad did not understand. He simply became quiet, and tried to listen, but he sort of tuned out, and most words went over his head, as he thought and worried. Bucky and Kaete both were good wolves, maybe their personalities just clashed… greatly. It would be stupid to try and keep Kaete here, huh?

She didn’t know where she would be going, but they could still stay in contact, right? She would not simply leave and vanish forever, right? ’’If- if you find a new pack to stay with, can you let me know which pack? Where…?’’ he asked, sniffling softly. ’’So I can visit…?’’
He would like that.

The problem was between Kaete and Bucky, and while Nomad had tried to meddle a little bit, he was not part of the problem. He could be friends with both of them, and still visit her, right…?

Jul 15, 2018 06:54 AM — Post #9

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Name Player
Kaete Mekani

“Yeah… of course, I’ll try to let you know.” But she had also wondered about what would happen if it took so long to find a pack that she was already too pregnant to travel. Her trips always tended to go slower than they were supposed to, like that. And then she would have to stay in one place with babies until they were old enough, and that would end up being a long time of not being able to go anywhere or visit anyone.

“Or if I get stuck somewhere with pups and can’t travel, I’ll try to at least send someone else to get the message to you.” And they would have to make sure it got to him, not Bucky. Bucky probably wouldn’t even tell him. He was probably going to come up with some lies to tell everyone else about why she left, like he did with everyone else who left.

“You can… visit and meet my pups, and be like an uncle to them…” That should be a happy thing, but somehow saying it made Kaete feel incredibly sad. This vision of the future, the best it could get now, with her and her kids, and Nomad coming to visit… it still seemed like something that could never happen. She had already let go of other dreams that were too good to be true, but what if every dream was too good to be true?

“If I don’t have pups though… I don’t know. I have no idea what I’ll do then. I might not come back.” She had to warn him. She tried to phrase it as mildly as possible, but she was pretty sure there was no ‘might’ about it. If the world was so cruel that it couldn’t give her even one thing she wanted, one part of what she wanted, in all this time, no matter how hard she tried to make her dreams a reality… She would at least have to get far away from here, far from the memories, far from anyone. In some way.

Jul 15, 2018 06:16 PM — Post #10

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Name Player
Nomad Rangers Jeames

She would let him know, she told him, and that made Nomad a little happier. She would even sent out anyone else to let him know, if she was unable to bring him the news, herself. He was glad, that there was some chance he could see her again. Even if she would not be here at home, anymore. He still did not understand how it all could have come to this. So much suffering, what was wrong with this world? Why could there not just only be happiness, for everyone?

But, Nomad liked to be an uncle to any pups Kaete would have. He would love to be an uncle! It was basically the only thing he could be now, after Rocco had left. The thought made him feel a little bitter. But he did not want to think about it. Kaete was having a hard time and Nomad needed to be there for her. ’’I hope you get pups, they’re amazing…’’

He meant it. She deserved some happiness. Everyone did. Nomad wished Kaete got pups, that Saskia came back, that Rocco came back. But the first one was probably more likely. Nomad wasn’t even sure if they would ever see Saskia or Rocco again.

She said something else, then, and Nomad looked at her, perking his ears. There was a worried expression on his face. ’’What… do you mean…?’’ he asked her. There were multiple possibilities, and to be honest his brain went towards the worst right away. But he was too afraid to voice it.

Jul 16, 2018 02:43 AM — Post #11

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Name Player
Kaete Mekani

She should have figured he would ask about it. She wasn’t entirely sure what she meant either though. “I don’t know. It’s not that I’m planning to do anything, it’s just… I’m afraid of what state of mind I’ll be in then. I already had to give up on finding a mate, on being loved… that was what I really wanted. And it’s just… so hard. That’s why I need to have pups, it’s like… they’re the only thing that can keep me going. So if I don’t, what happens then?”

She needed something to hold onto, and she needed it now. She could not make it through another year of this pain, of not being able to have what everyone else had. It felt like she was already dying. Love was something she needed to live, as much as food or water, and she had been starved for it her whole life. It still hurt so much to think that it would never happen, to think of how unlikely it was when nothing had ever gone right for her.

“And what are the odds that I’ll find someone to give me pups this year, when I couldn’t for the past two winters? Then there won’t be a reason to join a pack either, and… I just don’t know. At the very least, I might wander off, out of the valley maybe, and try to figure out what to do with my life.” She looked at the ground.

Leaving the valley was only one possibility. Maybe this valley was cursed, and everything would magically get better as soon as she left. Or it wouldn’t. At least Nomad and anyone else who might care would never know what happened to her then. It was better that way.

There was a part of her that didn’t want to just vanish quietly into the night though, that wanted to make a statement before she went, get back at those who hurt her, and maybe even make the world a little more fair. She had also feared that this part of her would be fully awakened if she had yet another unsuccessful heat, riding the wave of hormonal rage, sent over the edge when she had nothing left to lose. But there was no way to hurt Bucky without hurting Saskia, and of course Saskia had to leave at this crucial time. Shame, really.

Jul 16, 2018 08:13 PM — Post #12

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Name Player
Nomad Rangers Jeames

Nomad sighed, looked at his paws, moved his toes a little. ’’I wish I could help you, but…’’ There were so many thoughts going on in his head. Kaete and him were friends, and Rocco was gone, and it broke his heart. Pups would have been nice, but he had been uncertain, and only briefly imagined some with Rocco. But now that she was gone, he felt he would probably never have pups, considering it hurt quite a bit to think of him with someone else. Or Rocco with someone else. He pursed his lips at the thought. Was this jealousy?

He was quiet, for a little bit. ’’You know-’’ He stopped his words there, however, sighed and shook his head. ’’But I don’t think I can do that now, anymore.’’
Nomad had always been one to give, never take. If Kaete had asked him last year if he wanted to father any pups, she might have convinced him to help her. That was how giving Nomad was. But now, it just felt wrong. ’’Sorry- just forget I said anything.’’

It just hurt.

Jul 17, 2018 02:19 AM — Post #13

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Name Player
Kaete Mekani

Kaete didn’t guess what Nomad was thinking of. It was a little mysterious what it was that he said he couldn’t do anymore, but she figured he probably had some idea to travel with her, like last winter, to protect her, or help her search for males, or both. And it was true, that might not be a good idea. He might slow her down, or end up scaring guys away because they thought he was with her, and of course Bucky would hate her even more for taking his precious Nomad away, again, even if it was only for a few weeks. If he even cared about Nomad anymore either.

She shrugged slightly. “Yeah, well, I guess no one can help me. I’ll just have to keep looking, even harder than before. I’ll search every inch of this valley.” At least she still had the determination to try. As much as it looked like the end was near, she wasn’t going down without a fight. She was already mapping out paths in her head, trying to figure out how to cover as much of the valley as possible, checking every corner for useful sleazebags.

There wasn’t much else to say about it, she guessed. Maybe Nomad wasn’t being quite as comforting as she had hoped, but she could tell he was worried, and he would have helped if he could, which was enough to be a hell of a lot better than Bucky.

Should she bring up the thing about the girl? She had planned to, but now it seemed like it might not be a good time, when Nomad was already so upset over Kaete leaving. But she might as well at least… mention it? Just in case he did want to confide in her about it? And to show that she remembered that everything didn’t have to be about her, and she wasn’t the only one with problems. She knew that heartbreak was a very valid problem.

“Anyway… uh… I guess you’re probably not in the mood to talk about… uh, Bucky told me about that girl that you met, and that she left, and uh. That was what I was going to talk to you about, before I ended up having to tell you all this,” she explained awkwardly. He probably didn’t want to talk about it. “Because… you know… I kinda know what that’s like,” she added, in case that would make him want to open up.

Jul 17, 2018 03:47 AM — Post #14

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Name Player
Nomad Rangers Jeames

Well, Nomad could have helped her. He would have been willing. But sadly the thought of that was hard right now. So he just… shrugged it off. ’’You will find something. I’m sure.’’ Most male wolves were drawn to a female in heat like a bear was to honey so- it would be really strange if Kaete wouldn’t get any male come her way. Heck, even Nomad had felt it last year, but he had been a gentleman and ignored the scent to the best of his ability because Kaete was his friend and back then she had been searching for more than just pups.

At a mention of Rocco, Nomad made a sudden hissing sound, a huff escaping him. The mention had caught him off guard, startled him, and for a moment he just stared at Kaete. And then his eyes went down to his paws. Kaete was a rambling a little but he understood what she was trying to tell him.
’’Yeah, thanks.’’ he said, softly. They were basically sharing support and thoughts. But Nomad wasn’t so sure if he wanted to talk about it. And yet, he had a feeling a should.

’’I dunno. I’ve never felt like this before, and I think she felt the same way. She said she wanted to stay here with me. And then suddenly- she said she wanted to travel more, explore before settling down. And then she left. I’m not sure what changed her mind.’’ Nomad explained, and he shrugged. ’’I didn’t even know her for that long so… why do I feel so upset? I should not be feeling like this.’’

It was strange, to miss someone so dearly, even though you had only met them a month or so earlier. It didn’t make sense. Feelings were weird. And sometimes really annoying and upsetting. Nomad felt a little… abandoned, again.

But he should have been used to the feeling of abandonment, by now. First his parents and siblings, and a few more wolves in between here and there… packs Bucky and he visited, and such. And then Rocco. And now Kaete was leaving the Rangers because she and Bucky didn’t like each other. He should have been used to it, by now.

Jul 17, 2018 04:10 AM — Post #15

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