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The Big Bad (IRL) Baggage thread
possibly tmi because I have no life filter

1757

Scarce

Name Player
Cypress Gardens CZ
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So I was chatting up a storm in the cbox because as you have probably noticed I do everything either 0 or 100, and mentioned making an IRL drama/damage thread in case anyone ever wonders wtf I’m talking about in my life with regards to brain stuff, relationship stuff, family stuff, etc.

If you don’t care and/or feel weird reading my PERSONAL LIFE by all means tab out idgaf my peeps.

This is hardly going to be comprehensive, but if you have questions or also want to share your venting/drama/tmi/etc you are welcome to ask/add!

—> GIANT EDIT FOR COMPREHENSION IN PROGRESS

  • brain stuff

I want to mention this because I’ve run into this, a lot, and want to offer to talk to anyone about it at any time. I have major depression. Uh, not as in colloquially “I am super depressed sadface” but as in the clinical name is major depression or major depressive… disorder, or whatever they call it, on my doctor’s notes it lists off my issues and major depression is in the fun fun list of problems. If you ever want or need to talk someone, please message me, I am cool with giving out my contact info of various kinds for that purpose. Just knowing I had someone’s contact info in the past has made me feel better before, so don’t worry about bothering me. On the flipside, if you see me displaying any of my own signs of the depression getting bad (honesty hour, I am/have been heavily suicidal at times), do not hesitate to tell me I’m being a depressionbutt and need to get up and AFK and hug my dog or walk the block or something and stop simmering in sorrow. Is cool.

I get double the fun by having major depression hooked up with general anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I have all the anxiety. All of it. I could list off symptoms to explain How Anxious I Am, but to tl;dr it, without medication I am essentially on the constant cusp of an anxiety attack simply by being alive (not just awake—I have panic attacks in my sleep frequently, which is part of why I have such a shit sleep-wake rhythm).

Since I’m listing all my head issues I’ll go ahead and include being on seizure medication to control chronic headaches/migraines because WHY NOT INCLUDE IT ALL WHEE but that doesn’t really impact anything other than a lot of whining about headaches, and generally meaning that if I am actually bothering to mention a headache, it’s worse than my average ones.

Finally as far as brainweird goes, at least some of y’all have (probably?) noticed I suck at communication with you sometimes, in terms of getting the idea across to you that I am trying to convey without something being lost between my words and what you hear. I’ll just… look, I’m not clinically diagnosed because nobody will see me as an adult, but pretend I’m autistic when you interact with me and see if that makes some of me make more sense? It’s helped ME make more sense of me and the world, if I apply that overlay to things, so… yeah. But maybe I just suck at communication!  Whatever the case may be, always feel welcome to ask me to clarify or try again, etc, if you can’t parse my sentences, IC or OOC.


Jan 28, 2016 10:48 AM

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[ Edited: Feb 02, 2016 11:06 AM by Cypress ]
19514

Scarce

Name Player
Cypress Gardens CZ
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Fishteeth, trying to make a cohesive/coherent breakdown of my life is a knotted headache of its own kind.

  • parent stuff

Really just my father, but my mom too in the background capacity of being okay with everything he does/did, I guess. Mostly it sounds better for a heading to me.

So uh. Yeah. I mean I don’t know how to do this other than just tell you things I think make him kind of terrible and let them stand or fall on their own under other eyes.

When I was in middle school, I had the words “WORTHLESS FAILURE” etc some other lines carved—with a bit of broken metal—into my bedroom wall, after he called me that because I stayed up late to work on a project due the next day. Cos I’d been feeling kinda proudish, actually, of sucking it up and staying up to do it instead of sleeping? But nah, I wasn’t supposed to have to do that in the first place, right, I shoulda done it sooner. I shouldn’t have procrastinated. Why was I such a piece of shit always waiting to the last minute couldn’t I do anything on time.

So I etched them into the paint, because if that’s what I was that that’s what I needed to know I was and not forget.

They screamed at me for that, too, and made me painted over it that weekend.

I don’t remember distinctly enough if it was the same or different project where he yelled and yelled at me about how I’d never be anything but a useless stripping whore type worker if I couldn’t get my act together, until I cried myself sick, only to later wake up to force me to accept an apology and then cuss more and slam the door when I said I wanted to sleep.

He’s hit me. Three times. Not with a fist, not a punch, but hand on the face. I’m not counting, like, discipline hitting, this is angry hitting. He says he never has, never never, even two seconds after he does it, but he did. He also always says “but if you say that again I’ll make it come true”. He gets so angry. Just in general. So fucking angry. I’ve heard phone reps on his speakerphone “trying not to shake/cry” voice.

I don’t want to write about the fucking truck just don’t FUCKING TOUCH ME AND DON’T FUCKING IGNORE SOMEONE SCREAMING NO AND SCREAMING TO PUT THEM DOWN

I hate physical contact so much none of my family has ever respected my boundaries and this is starting to wobble into bad-brain territory so peace out but for explicity-sake no it wasn’t anything like csa but I hate him I was in college and I hate him.


Mar 17, 2016 07:09 PM — Post #1

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84553
Name Player
Orion Vedi Bryony Staff
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bless CZ.

so, i…have no friends? like, that always sounds so harsh. i have online friends, but unfortunately, that doesn’t really fill up my social human sim bar. I need real actual human interaction, and my girlfriend is actually usually pretty good about keeping me occupied, but she likes doing other stuff and obviously i cannot (nor do i want to) hang off of her 24/7.

I was introduced to some really rad people through a mutual friend and two of them actually live in the same neighborhood as me. The friend “group” (minus me, which i will get to) is about 5 people or so. And…they always hang out. and never invite me except for very rarely? which, of course, i am thankful for.

and i don’t really understand why. and it’s not completely a matter of me being self-depreciating. i understand that i definitely am that. i could go on about my awfulness all day long. but that’s not the point here. like, i can’t tell if they just forget i exist, don’t want to hang out with me, think i’m busy? but they’ve never even asked.

and i can’t help but take it so personally. me, my gf, and two of the friends (That are our neighbors) all went to BG together the other night. and last night, the 5 group all went to the movies. i was not invited. it seems like they are usually all hanging out at her apartment and…i mean, i don’t wanna be weird.

one neighbor friend made did the bandwagon status thing like “am i intimidating or approachable” or w/e it was, and i said intimidating and explained why because of the friend group (in a very straightforward not sad way). i just mentioned that the friend group seemed really well-established and i didn’t want to butt in. and she then gave me permission to butt in.

but…idk. i don’t like inviting myself places and i understand we all have differing schedules. i have asked before. i have invited them to dinner and asked about hanging out and stuff. i just feel like, sometimes, i shouldn’t have to? as an outsider (the way i feel), i don’t feel like it’s appropriate for me to be like, “hey are you guys hanging out? can i hang out?” like some sort of sad dog. also, that’s really just not the kind of person i am.

it would just be nice to be wanted, i guess? to actually be treated like a friend, as opposed to a friendly acquaintance.


Dec 16, 2016 11:27 AM — Post #2

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84559
Name Player
Sparrow Kelly Staff
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Oh man, reading this seriously felt like you were pulling my life issues out and writing them down for me. I am not going to ramble on, but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

I am also clinically diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety. Have been suicidal a number of times. Anxiety that has me physically dependent on Xanax which is THE WORST but I literally turn into a twitch ball of anxiety if I’m not on it. Even on meds, I still get random bouts of panic attacks that usually end in me taking some medication or intoxication to conk out with because sleep or functioning would be impossible.

Also can’t sleep like a normal human.

Also have a shit of an excuse of a dad who told me nothing but awful, negative things growing up that still swim around in my head on a daily basis. My world view is pretty much, “I’m not good enough.” He wasn’t physically abusive that I can remember—which is fun times because I don’t remember a huge chunk of my childhood, but that’s a whole other shebang—but he was emotionally abusive to the point of driving me into a pretty hardcore case of anorexia. I blame him, among other things, as the driving force that sent me to in-patient treatment for four months and nearly stopped by heart from being able to work.

Anyhow. This wasn’t for show. Thanks for the space to mini-rant/vent, but I mostly wanted to say I so get it. I understand, perhaps not in the exact same way but in a general sense of the word, and if you ever need to talk, I’m around. These kinds of things that exist internally are so hard to express sometimes because people can’t physically see them. Sometimes we don’t even see them coming until we’re consumed by them. It’s rough.


Dec 16, 2016 11:44 AM — Post #3

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84565
Name Player
Kara Volsunga Kurome
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Wow, it takes a lot to share. At least for me it does. So, that’s really great for you guys to be so open about some of these issues. I am not at all good at helping others, but I always want to try. I’m not used to talking about this stuff because, I never do. The few times I do speak about it, it ends up in a mess.

Anyway, I am here if anyone wants to talk or vent, or whatever. I don’t say the right things a lot of the time, but I understand and am online… a lot. You can find other ways to contact me on Kara’s page.

I have been diagnosed with all sorts of things since I’m apparently an “unusual case”. I’ve been most recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD all in one lovely package. I’ve had GAD since I was 6 years old and was hospitalized because I was literally on the brink of starving to death from refusing to eat out of stress. I have no memory of why. How accurate all the diagnosis is, I have no idea, nor do I care. I’ve attempted suicide, but was found. I’ve engaged in multiple methods of self-harm. I abused pills on a daily basis and no longer can take medication because even the sight of them makes me want to vomit. So, I am currently unmediated excepted for Ativan which I struggle to get since I’m high risk for addiction. I’ve also fought court orders to force me into therapy and to take meds or loose my son/long-term hospitalization. Thankfully, I called a lawyer and got them to back the f off.

I very rarely say anything because people tell me I don’t look depressed or shut me down with either how stupid I am for it or tell me how much worse their anxiety or depression must be as if it is some sort of trophy. I’d rather just keep my mouth shut. I’m extremely good at hiding it since I’m tired of dealing with all the trouble it gets me into either through ridicule or some other sort of trouble.

I also have the worst time with people. I have the WORST socialization skills and some of you may of already noticed. I don’t always know what to say and I’m not good at reading signals. I spent a lot of my time growing up alone and isolated for a mix of reasons (half because of a psychotic mother). If I say something strange or hurtful, I want to know because I sincerely am clueless. Also, some of this may emerge in my roleplay. If it seems off, you now know why. It’s not my characters, it’s an error of my own. I’m also on that bandwagon of unapproachable. I don’t understand it, but apparently I am.

Anyway, I won’t talk about events on here, but I understand with the parents stuff. Any one can reach out to me. I love to help. Heck, I might even message one of you. ^_^ You guys aren’t alone and um, stay strong!


Dec 16, 2016 12:20 PM — Post #4

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84595

Scarce

Name Player
Cypress Gardens CZ
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Yeah. I. Had/have a lot more I could have put in this thread but I was always hella unsure I was making folks uncomfortable by having it exist because heyyyyyy super unhappy topics, so I actually migrated to a forum more orientated to unpacking this kind of shizzle but left the link in my profile since I think it’s… fairly useful to helping understand why I am so many problems sorry orz

I am not always an easy person to get along with or communicate with and BOY HOWDY do I know it.

Fistbumps and hugs, as you prefer, to all y’all, too.


Dec 16, 2016 02:06 PM — Post #5

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84597
Valentina is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
Name Player
Valentina Costa Anna
 

eternal hugs to you guys

and to kurome—you are lovely, and you have only ever been lovely and understanding when i’ve talked to you in private or in public chat. so there’s that.


Dec 16, 2016 02:14 PM — Post #6

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84602
Name Player
Atlas Stormborn Jade
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As someone who has struggled with anxiety since I was around 14 (Roughly half my life now whoa), I can empathize with a lot of what everyone is talking about on this thread. So if any of y’all ever need to talk, feel free to either PM me or message me on Facebook. And I sincerely mean that! I am, like. Really bad at talking to people. Those of you who met me in the Skype party can attest to this, I’m sure. Lol. I’ve got the trifecta: introverted, shy, and socially awkward. Thankfully that’s less of a problem (usually) when I’m at a keyboard instead. So if you need to vent or whatever, I am always happy to listen.

Bu, I definitely feel you. I guess you could say that I have “friends” other than my boyfriend in that we have people we sometimes hang out with and do stuff with, but none of them are people that, like… I’d message them to talk or they’d message me or whatever. I’m not close to any of them. I have an online BFF, but like you said it’d be awesome to have someone like that who I could see in person and do stuff with. I miss that. :c But I’ve never actually known how to make friends, as weird as that sounds. All of the friends I’ve ever had have been people who were outgoing/friendly enough to just… thrust themselves into my life. Lol. After leaving high school, I never made another friend besides my boyfriend. There were people I talked to in class in college, but we never talked/hung out outside class except for the occasional study group.

I think it’s harder to make friends as adults, period. People have their established groups, and they aren’t always welcoming to people trying to get into their group – although in most cases they don’t realize/mean to do that. People also have their own schedules and families to attend to, too.

Basically you have to “butt in,” like you said. Even if it feels wrong. It may just be that the people in the group don’t really grasp how much you want to be included. They’ve got this little established circle, and they’re all comfortable with one another and such… and they may not be able to see things from your point of view. I know this has probably been one of my own issues over the years because although I do want to have friends, it’s like A) I don’t want to seem pushy/annoying/desperate/etc… and B) It’s hard for me to reach out to other people because of how shy I am. But in the end that’s probably what it takes: muscling your way in and making it known that you want to be friends. Lol. Hopefully they’ll see your efforts to connect with them and be around them and realize, “Hey, this person likes us and wants to be a part of this thing we have going!”


Dec 16, 2016 02:36 PM — Post #7

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85659
Darien is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
Name Player
Darien Adamantine
 

Can I just hug all of you? Really tightly? Except CZ, who gets a really intense air hug. But seriously, you guys are so awesome and amazing and so very strong and I love all of you and if any of you tried to disappear from Earth I would be really pissed and I would find you and drag you back because you are all so wonderful~

I’m lucky, I guess. My family is loving and we all pretty much get along, even though we’re all very different. There has been plenty of therapy and talking and arguing and screaming along the way, but…ultimately I think everything will be okay, because I don’t want to believe in anything else.

I wasn’t diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (now called Autistic Spectrum Disorder, or high-functioning autism) until I was in middle school. Before then I was an absolute mess. Yeah, I had friends, I was a good kid, I was happy. But I was an absolute mess. High-anxiety, few social skills, divorced parents who fought a lot before and after the divorce, all of that stuff. My dad is a lot like me, actually, and ever since the divorce…I can see more and more of that. My parens divorced when I was, maybe 6? Too young to remember them being together or doing anything but yelling and screaming.

I’m pretty sure now that my dad used me to get back at my mom. I would stay up late, lie to her about taking showers to keep my dad out of trouble (encouraged by him), have long talks with him about her and my frustrations, go to school late, that sort of thing. I feel like I was lied to a lot as a kid, and to this day my dad and my mom tell me completely different stories. I wound up living with my mom and visiting my dad on Wednesdays and every other weekend. Now, because we both forget to call/text each other (at least on my end), I hardly see him at all. When I do, it’s very awkward, because I feel like he would rather play video games than talk to me and that he has no idea what to do with me. When I was younger it was easier because he let me play video games all day and watch movies, but now that I really do want to talk to him…it’s like he doesn’t know how…and that’s how I am to my stepdad and mom, in a sense.

I am addicted to the Internet. It used to be video games, but those were taken away foe the most part. Now, pet sim sites and roleplaying take up a lot of my life. It’s caused so many problems. I get obsessed and go on them all of the time…even at school…and I hardly talk to my parents or do my homework. Over the past few years I’ve tried to slow down, and now I’m finally just…done. Done worrying about other people online and how rude and illiterate they are.

Oh yes, Asperger’s. Back to that. Basically it means that I can’t just…socialize like other people. It’s like…a giant mystery.

Imagine going to a party. You don’t know anyone there, besides a few people who you’ve seen or maybe even talked to before, but you don’t know much about them. There’s a certain ettiquette you have to follow, but no one tells you what you’re doing wrong. You have to watch and guess and make awkward conversation and try to look as inconspicuous as possible. That is my entire life. I’ve slowly learned how to socialize, but I’m far from perfect. When I listen in on a group of other students talking, even if I know who or what they’re talking about I don’t know if it’s sarcasm and joking or serious or what they even mean.

On top of that, I have anxiety. Lots of it. I don’t answer unknown calls and I’m scared of ordinary social interactions like ordering food and going to social events and such. I get stressed put very easily, I get panic attacks sometimes and I can absolutely lose control over the stupidest of things. For example, just tonight, my mom Bluetooth connected her new phone to the car. All of her messages popped up one by one as notifications on the screen in her car. The noise and visual made me literally shriek and claw at it in rage and stress because the stupid thing wouldn’t stop.

There’s other things, too, and if you want to know more about Asperger’s/autism, I’d suggest looking it up.

But…yeah. That’s my pathetic life, lol. All happy except for my autism and stuff.

If any of y’all ever want to talk, pm me on Wajas (ID 303443) or FR (user Iceshadow98) or on here. :3


Dec 22, 2016 07:22 PM — Post #8

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85666

Scarce, Skippable

Name Player
Vincent Laroche CZ
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DISTRESSED

NOISE

I HAD A BIG POST HERE AND IT GOT ATE

sad

short version, autism relates, i feel u

feel strange having very old post suddenly revived with attention but glad it has been made place for people to emotion and share and talk


Dec 22, 2016 07:51 PM — Post #9

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93116
Brynn is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
Name Player
Brynn Awbrey Jeames
 

Normally I don’t post in threads like these, normally I don’t talk about my problems at all. Reason for that, mostly, is my upbringing. So, before I get to the point at hand, let’s start there.


I starts with my mother. She never got the love from her family she so much desired. Her real mother died when she was seven, and her father, my grandfather, remarried. With a woman who already had several children, as well. My mother, brother, grandfather, stepsister, stepbrother and stepmother (who I call grandma since I’ve never got to know my real one, and I grew up with this one), settled together in a house. The years after that, two or three new half siblings arrived into the family.

There are so many in my mother’s side of the family that I lost count, and I don’t even know all of them. The first time I met one of my older cousins (that older cousin of mine I only knew the name off, but I had NEVER seen his face. People in my family spoke negative about him, but upon meeting him he was soooo fun to talk to. It’s weird how I could miss out on family members for 19 years of my life), was during a ‘‘youngster family party’’ created by one of my other cousins I only know by name, and she invited me. I know why. It’s because she wanted to bring the younger people of the family on my mother’s side closer to each other because everyone goes on with their own lives and barely thinks of the others. My mom’s family is like ‘‘Oh, I don’t know how they’re doing. But I don’t feel like calling’‘, while my dad’s side of the family is so close that they call each other daily and text each other even if they only live 2 streets apart.

But before I lose track; so my mother grew up in a big family who sucked up their feelings and who never gave her enough love. Result is that she never got hugs when she needed them, so she never gave them, either. I was raised with less hugs than I would have wanted, and I was told that I should not burden the world and its people with my problems. Because our family was ‘‘strong’‘, and would not succumb to our life issues. But in fact, my mom’s side of the family was not strong, but weak. Uncle, mom’s full brother, suffered depression and still does. My mom now has it too, but refuses to seek help, because she still goes by the way she was raised; never burden the world and its people with your problems. Depression is something that runs in the family, so it’s only natural I’m prone to it too, I guess. I’ve had it since I was 12 years old, when I first went to high school. I was never very social. I was pretty much in introvert. And I was shy. People started bullying me. My own classmates, all were against me, no one helped me. Probably because I was too afraid to ask, to make contact, and maybe they believed I did not need friends while I desperately wanted them…?

I have been depressed since then, on and off. There were good days, and bad days where I felt I wanted to die. But I never sought help. I never even told my parents until my father destroyed our whole life with a gamble and we moved to my aunt’s and uncle’s attic. Only then. But before that, whenever I cried, my mother told me to suck it up. My dad was more understanding, but since my mother with the head of our little family, it seemed, my dad often sided with her and told me I was overreacting.
So I never sought help, and never received it. Not even from those who knew what was going on with me. I went through life all alone, and I know that’s my own fault. I should have sought help, but even now I don’t always do that.

My dad was sweet and in the background, he worked a lot when I was little and was leader of various companies. So naturally, I didn’t see him much, and when coming home from school, my mom was always the only one greeting me. I had no siblings, and still don’t. My mom was the one role model in my life, the one who stood on top. Even when my dad was home, she raised me. She taught me things. So, she also taught me the ways of her family, and I inherited them. She was my role model, so I wanted to make her proud, more so than my dad. Because I knew my dad already was proud of me; he was always easily impressed. My mother, not so much. But that’s because of her own upbringing. She loves me, and I love her, but we feel awkward saying it, so avoid the word all together when speaking to or about family. We’ve only said the sentence ‘‘I love you’’ too each other, ONCE.


Jan 25, 2017 03:19 AM — Post #10

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93117
Brynn is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
Name Player
Brynn Awbrey Jeames
 

[Continuation because my story is too big okay???? I’m sorry!]

But yes, my mom pushed me all my life to do things. She forced me against my will to try certain jobs, and did not stop complaining until I tried them. I know why; all she can do is drive a car. She cannot cook, she had never worked all those years that she lived with my father. She wanted me to become great, I know. My mother wanted me to become better than her, stand higher than her, in the end. And without her, I would not have gotten as far as I’ve become, now. The work I have now is all thanks to her, because she kept pushing me to send an email and introduce myself. But that’s what makes me feel so bad; everything I’ve achieved in my life thus far was because of my mother pushing me, and I know that if I did things on my own, I would never get there. Never. But that’s the problem. Now that she too is depressed, she doesn’t push me as much anymore, so I don’t do stuff. I go to work, but that’s it. I’ve tried to better myself and turn myself around, but the social anxiety I’ve gotten due to the bullying and not having many friends in life who actually got my back has made me unable to get it done. I feel worthless, useless, and incomplete. I’ve never felt complete before. The constant hard work I do is not for myself but for the others around me. I strive to make people proud of me, sometimes maybe even the wrong people. But because I’m scared of failing, I do things quietly and slowly, and then they tell me to hurry up, making me realize no matter what I do, I always fail. That I have ALREADY failed, because I was too slow. I will never make others proud, I will never make my mother proud. I know she is proud of me, but she had never told me before, and thus I keep telling myself that I’m not good for anything and that she will never say it. Because she will never say it. She was never raised that way. So I’m very sure right now I feel what my mother felt back then when she was young; worthless, useless, wanting to have people be proud of her, but never receiving that kind of love. A life full of discipline and hard work, and now and then getting a pat on the back or a 10 seconds hug for it in return. And that’s it.

Of course, my parents have bought me gifts, and taken me to fast food restaurants and sushi restaurants to celebrate my achievements, but I’m not a materialist, I’ve never been. All I ever wanted in return was hugs, and lovely words, saying they were proud of me. I did not need toys, I did not need yummy foods. I liked getting those but… it wasn’t what I really longed for. My parents meant well, I know that. It’s just the way we’ve been raised. My mother and I. And my mother was stubborn and headstrong, so in the end my father hobbled along after her and did as she did, so only her way of raising really stuck with me. I even have trouble talking to my father about things even though he’s the one who will be more understanding,  always. Not saying my mother isn’t understanding; she is, but she just cannot show it, just like we both cannot talk about our problems. It’s like a curse that runs in our family. Something we cannot get rid of, whatever we try.

When I first started my home study, once again forced and pushed to by my mother, I was motivated, and saw a spark of light to my future, even though we had moved to my aunt’s and uncle’s attic a year prior due to my father losing all our money over years and years of working at home, and being unable to fix it, giving us great debts. I wanted to do stuff with animals all my life, so this home study was amazing! I could study at home, and learn about animals and stuff without having to constantly socialize, because I’m unable to do that. just now and then, I would have to find a work place for my study, like I have now. It went great, I finally thought I had found what I wanted to do, and my boss, who had me with his dog hotel during the summer vacation, said he liked working with me, and even offered me to work with him after the summer vacation, to get paid! He pays me illegal, big amounts of money at once. I don’t always get money every month, but I get enough to keep myself going. However, as soon as the summer vacation passed and I got to work there fully, every morning, he gave me more and more tasks. Tasks I often screwed up because I had no experience with them. And then he grew mad. And boy, is my mad boss a scary fellow.


Jan 25, 2017 03:20 AM — Post #11

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93118
Brynn is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
Name Player
Brynn Awbrey Jeames
 

[Again continuation…]

It made me feel worthless all over again, because I never make mistakes on purpose, never. But the way he acted, it made me feel like he thought I did it on purpose, get what I mean? I still work for him, and he didn’t get the idea to fire me, at all. He still likes to work with me. But coming in every morning, even on Sunday, has made my presence there normal, and this I don’t hear those words anymore. I don’t hear words of praise anymore. Because it’s normal now, and I just have to do my job. So, naturally, I don’t enjoy my job anymore.
I now to tasks waaaay different from the original tasks I had been given during the summer vacation, and I hate it. But with crisis going on over here, more people lose their job each day. Companies and stores are closed and people end up on the street, so even if I wanted to move to a different job, I would not be able to find one at this time. I’m basically forced to stay and work under him, and earn my money in the illegal way. Basically, my mother and father and I are on the streets, too. We lost our home. My aunt and uncle took us in for the time being, from my father’s side of the family, mind you, because as I said before my mother’s side isn’t close to each other. When my mother cried on the phone and told my (step)grandmother about our financial issues and that my father had ruined everything, my (step)grandmother told her she could not do anything, and ended the call. My dad’s side of the family is poorer, but even came all the way from the south to the north to help us move, and settle in with my aunt and uncle. My father’s mother, my real grandmother, didn’t have much money, but still she pays me 50 FRICKING EUROS each year when I grow a year older, as a birthday gift. 50 is even far more than I make at my boss’ each month. It’s insane. She pays her savings to her grandchildren as gifts. My mother’s side of the family has never done that before. Well, once, when I turned 20 a few weeks ago and my (step)grandmother and grandfather from my mom’s side sent me a birthday card with 10 euros in it. Maybe they did it because they pity us…

Either way, the tasks at work make me anxious, and while at first I could get up at 7am and be there at 7:30am, I now have to get up at 6am EVERY morning, even on Sundays I have to be there. Later, but still, I have to be there. I have no single day off each week. At least, not many. Sometimes I can stay home on Sunday, but only when there are no dogs at the dog hotel. That doesn’t happen that often. Though, work on Sunday I enjoy the most, oddly enough. Mainly because it asks of me to do the same tasks I did when I first started there. Monday to Saturday I do whole other things…
I don’t mind getting up early but… 6am became too much for me. I went to bed early to compensate with he time I get up, so I can still get 8-9 hours of sleep, but that means I often lay in bed between 9pm and 10pm. And since I’m a night person, I end up going way later than planned, always… Even when I go to bed early and sleep fast, I sleep restless. I wake up several times at night worrying about the work day to come, and often fall back asleep at 5am, while 6am my alarm clock beeps. And when my alarm clock wakes me, I feel even more tired than when I went to bed. It’s even so bad, that I’ve had non stop intestine problems ever since the day I had to get up at 6am. I cannot go a single day without barely escaping shitting my pants, all due to stress and anxiety. Normally I don’t tell people this, because it’s weird to talk about your shit, literally. But GOD, did I need to tell it now.

Every morning 6am, every morning the same tasks at work. There is no variation anymore. There is no joy in it, but I cannot go find a job elsewhere because no one will hire me at the moment. Every morning I wake up more tired than the day before, and it has become an endless cycle of fear and anxiety. It has even given me the feeling of defeat, by now. I’ve become sloppy with my home study because of it. And I have to finish the study September 2017, but I’ve come not much further. Everyday I’m too tired to even look at my book. Reading and doing ‘‘homework’’ gives me headaches and makes me feel beyond exhausted. In the meantime my mom lays in bed in her pajamas all day, after her own cleaning job, and forces me to keep on studying. I force her to get back to drawing, like she used to, but she refuses because she says she ‘‘doesn’t feel like it anymore’‘. Well, my study feels the same way. So god damn PLEASE let me just quit this whole thing all together.
Every morning I wake up crying because I don’t feel like going to work. I actually don’t even feel like getting up anymore. Secretly, every evening when I go to bed, I hope I just don’t wake up anymore…

But sadly, everyday I do, and anxiety grips me once more from every corner. I’m too tired to do stuff, in return I don’t do anything, which after that makes me feel useless again, which makes me feel even more tired, which makes me do even less. And in the end, it’s an endless cycle, that never seems to end, which I cannot seem to break, and I end up sleeping 12 hours a day, sometimes. Even right now as I write this, back home in the attic, with a whole day ahead of me to draw and roleplay and do stuff I need to do, the only thing I want to do is go back to bed, and sleep the day away. And the next day, I wake up, and the cycle continues.

It’s like everyday is the same, as I live the same day over and over and over. With never any changes. And it only drags me down deeper. It’s so bad right now, that even roleplay doesn’t give me joy. It feels like yet another job I need to keep up with. And I just can’t. That’s why I haven’t made any posts for three days already. It’s a blockage in my head. Just can’t get past it.


Jan 25, 2017 03:20 AM — Post #12

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93119
Brynn is currently Inactive. Activate? Inactive
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Brynn Awbrey Jeames
 

Last one, I swear. For some reason I cannot fit this all in one post… /cry

I never ramble this much, normally I’m a person of few words. But this story, and the cause of it all, has been hidden within me for 20 years, all my life. And only now, I tell you guys. There’s no one else to tell. Isn’t it sad? I mean. Everyone has at least one person in their personal life to go to, right? At least one person they can talk to about all of this. But, I’ve never told anyone, and I don’t mind spilling it on a site with a lot of people I don’t know, kind of. I recognize faces, but only see OOC names.
Maybe it just makes me feel safe. Maybe it’s because people online don’t know me in real life, and thus cannot really judge me, with shooting one glance at me. People in your personal life already have an idea of what kind of person you might be, only by looking at you, before they even talk to you. Before they even get to know you.
Online people, they don’t see a face, they don’t always know an in real life name. Maybe I feel safer this way.

Who knows.

At least I don’t have the feeling like I have to make you guys proud, daily. And actually, that feels like a blessing. Online I feel free, kind of.
So yes, enjoy my rambling which basically is me spilling my whole life story.

Wooo…


I just needed to get all of this off my chest… I’m so sorry for bothering you all with this…


Jan 25, 2017 03:21 AM — Post #13

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93139

Scarce

Name Player
Cypress Gardens CZ
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1year 2mos 6mos 100ooc 100posts 250posts 500ooc 500posts bugsuggestion helper lonelythreads profile tumblr welcomeguide wikicontributor wikimaster
 

Jea.

You deserve better.


Jan 25, 2017 10:41 AM — Post #14

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93145
Name Player
Marzena Tam
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None yet!
 

Seconding CZ. I’m not very good with words—I don’t know how to tell you what I want to tell you—but I do want to say that I love you and you’re fantastic. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You help me.

You really do deserve better.

<33


Jan 25, 2017 11:36 AM — Post #15

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